


A Lifetime

by Comedia



Series: Postwar Series [6]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Liara cameo, M/M, Vega cameo, lots of cameos
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-12
Updated: 2012-09-12
Packaged: 2017-11-14 01:52:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,250
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/510044
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Comedia/pseuds/Comedia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shepard always thought he’d be the first to go. The story of John and Kaidan’s life together, all based around that one gift Kaidan bought so long ago.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Lifetime

A relationship isn’t about the gifts. You’re not in it for pretty birthday presents and anniversary dinners at fancy restaurants, but sometimes a gift matters despite that.

This one time Kaidan got Shepard a teddy bear. It was mostly a joke, something to get him through the time at the hospital.

Grown men don’t play with teddy bears, and Shepard wasn’t a toy kind of guy anyway. He named the bear Whiskey though - because apparently giving these inanimate objects names was a thing - and once he was allowed to leave the hospital he put Whiskey in his bag next to the underwear.

Kaidan never asked about the name, but there was a smile on his lips when Shepard unpacked and placed the bear on the bedside table.

“Do you want me to call it a ‘bear replica’?”

Back then John was still in recovery, confined to a wheelchair and taking all kinds of meds, but he was still strong enough to throw a pillow at that teasing grin.

Those first weeks he’d only left the apartment to attend the check-ups at the hospital. Kaidan would come home from work late, always exhausted. He never did figure out how to hold back; he kept going all in no matter what kind of dull task he was assigned.

Those evenings they’d watch all kinds of vids, more often than not Whiskey would be on the couch with them.

Sometimes he had picked the bear up and acted out scenes with it. That didn’t mean he was a toy person though, it just meant that the bear had been lying around and looked kind of lonely. Besides, Whiskey was really good at imitating Elcors so it’d be a shame not to appreciate that talent.

Once he was fully recovered they’d both spent many late nights working. Liara would keep telling him that it was okay to relax - that he’d already given the galaxy everything - but simply letting time pass and doing nothing didn’t feel right.

Sometimes Kaidan had to leave town with his students. Other times they’d even leave the planet or system. He was never gone for long, but their time apart was always a little too long, despite that.

Life had continued as usual. He’d buy take-away for dinner and eat it alone while watching a vid or catching up on work. There was always something to do back in those days.

The nights on the other hand… the nights were when things got tough. The bed had always seemed so big without Kaidan and the feeling of being alone would sometimes overwhelm him. He can’t recall the first time it happened, but he must’ve looked up and seen that bear staring at him, eyes the same color as Kaidan’s. There had been a moment of hesitation and a “why the hell not?”.

The fur always tickled him, but holding on to Whiskey still helped him through many lonely nights. The bear’s embrace was nothing like Kaidan’s warmth, but it didn’t matter; it was all about waiting for his return, because that was the beauty of it. Kaidan always returned; there were no more Horizons.

Almost everyone had advice to give when it came to proposing, even Grunt. Kasumi, on the other hand, ad simply sent him rings. They were probably worth a fortune and had most likely been stolen from some priceless, antique collection… but he never asked her about it. They were perfect.

Instead of taking Kaidan to a shooting range, a strip-club or a museum - like their friends had suggested - he had already decided on a peaceful proposal. At home, or maybe when they were out taking a walk. He just wanted something normal and quiet for a change.

In the end no one gave better advice than the teddy bear. Shepard had spent many hours staring at that furry thing, meeting the brown eyes and asking the question over and over. He wasn’t nervous; he just wanted to do it the right way. Over and over, trying to decide whether to kneel or just be casual. Maybe he’d do it at breakfast? He’d try to make pancakes and just pass the ring along with the syrup. Thinking back he can still remember pacing their apartment, glancing at the kitchen and wondering if he would have any luck cooking something for them.

But no matter what plans he had, or what tone of voice he decided to use, he ended up doing it by accident. He had been at the dinner table, Whiskey sitting in Kaidan’s empty chair. He’d felt determined that night - telling himself “any day now” - and glared into those brown eyes.

“We should get married. I’ve got the rings. What do you say?”

He’d realized too late that someone was in the kitchen with him; someone who wasn’t a stuffed bear. Kaidan hadn’t looked surprised, not really, but he had definitely been overwhelmed. Speechless.

“Uh, so… I didn’t know you were, uh, busy. Should I come back later?”

And Shepard had rushed up, almost knocking both his chair and himself over in the process. His hand searching for Kaidan’s he had glanced around the room, finding it hard to look directly into those wide eyes.

“No. Stay.” Fingers intertwined, searching for strength he never thought he’d need at a moment like this. “That was meant for you.”

A slight chuckle and warm eyes searching his features. Shepard had been thirty seven years old; the time for that kind of love should’ve passed long ago. There was the feeling of a friendly Collector swarm being on a rampage in his belly, and seriously, Kaidan had no right to make him feel like that after so many years. It had felt unreal back then, and it still does now, so many years later.

“I’m glad. I was afraid you were planning to run away with that bear.”

“I would never.” There’d been a hand at his back, working tense muscles, as if he’d been the one spending the day on a biotic field trip. “And his name is Whiskey.”

Reality finally caught up with them and Kaidan’s smile had been brighter than any supernova Shepard had ever seen. “I remember.” There was a moment of hesitation and something that could’ve been a sob disguised as a cough. “Show me the rings?”

The wedding involved much more reporters and military officials than they had planned, but it was still perfect. Shepard brought Whiskey - both the bear and an actual bottle - on their honeymoon; he thought it was symbolic. Kaidan brought chocolate flavored bodypaint; they both agreed it was delicious.

The beauty of it was living with the knowledge that he had somewhere to return to - a soft place to land - and that Kaidan would always, no matter where he went, walk through their door with a smile on his face. Except one day he didn’t. He said he wouldn’t be gone long, but the hours passed and if Shepard’s knee hadn’t been in such bad shape he would’ve been out there looking for him much sooner. There was something beautiful about growing old together, but there was also worrying and the constant fear of not knowing how much time you had left. And that was the thing with Kaidan; not a hundred years - not even an Asari lifespan - would be enough.

The call came in the evening. He was getting ready to head out by then, despite the knee. He was Admiral Goddamn Shepard, he had fought Thresher Maws on foot, hell if he’d let something like this stop him.

The call was from the hospital. A ‘Kaidan Shepard-Alenko’ had been found in the street and was in intensive care, he was still conscious and kept asking for John. Was it possible for him to get there?

He didn’t answer them. Instead he had gone outside, using his rank for the first time in forever and managed to get military escort there.

The beauty of the past forty years had been that Kaidan always returned. But this time he didn’t. When Shepard reached the hospital he had already slipped into unconsciousness, and he never opened his eyes again.

He’d been at the bedside the entire time, feeling the pulse disappear beneath his fingertips rather than hearing the alarms go off on the machines. It still didn’t feel real to him, not even when Kaidan had gone cold beneath his touch. It didn’t feel real because it couldn’t be.

When he got home there had been many messages waiting for him - Garrus, Liara, Steve, Samara, Grunt and even Jack - and more coming in by the minute. He had thrown the monitor and all those damn condolences out the window. Then he’d thrown a few more things out there too. And then he’d sent a lot more crashing against the floor. He hadn’t even been able to say goodbye. Not really. The “see you later” from that morning didn’t count, and holding him didn’t count. Kaidan didn’t know he was right there. He had been alone on that road, and he’d disappeared once and for all asking for… asking…

When he had broken enough things – when he felt tired rather than angry – he could finally cry. He had lost many people through the years and cried more than once, but then he’d always had Kaidan’s shoulder to cry on.

Their bed had never felt so big or so empty. It had been the perfect size that morning, but when he returned he’d felt like he was drowning. The sheets still held Kaidan’s scent so he gripped them hard, taking deep breaths of something, someone, who didn’t exist anymore. From across the room a pair of brown eyes had been staring at him, the bear’s eyes hauntingly alike Kaidan’s. He had gotten up only to throw it into the closet and then returned to the sheets. Not even getting spaced had hurt this much.

Three days later they’d showed up, ready to break down the door, but he’d been ready. His body wasn’t what it used to be, but at least his hearing was decent and James had never figured out how to be discreet, anyway.

He had gotten up from the bed, taking a little too long to untangle himself from the sheets. In the end he didn’t have time to change clothes and barely had time to run a hand through his hair.

He’d reached the hallway as the door opened, Liara entering the apartment with her spare key in a tight grip.

“Shepard…”

He’s still not sure if he managed to smile back then, but he can remember James wincing when seeing him.

“You look horrible, Loco.”

This was what he needed. Familiar banter. Something to take his mind off… off everything else. At least that’s what he thought.

“You’re one to talk.” His voice had been rough and quiet.

“Hey, I’m an old soldier. This is how we all look.”

It was enough to break him again.

Guess we’re old soldiers, eh, Shepard? We know where we stand. We know this is goodbye.

They couldn’t possibly know about that. The comment wasn’t meant to be about Kaidan but that didn’t matter. Everything was about Kaidan in one way or another; it always had been. He’d been so weak by then, and the memory of them helping him back into bed again is blurry. Apparently Liara had stayed with him most of the day. She had cleaned the apartment for him, and even gathered the broken things in a box for him to go through when he felt like it. She must’ve picked up Whiskey too; thinking about it now he prefers the mystery, but back then he didn’t like the idea of the bear somehow making its way to his bedside table on its own.

It had been a good funeral. Just like their wedding there’d been too many reporters and the Alliance officials could’ve cut their speeches a little shorter, but otherwise it was nice. It was what Kaidan would’ve wanted.

He won’t pretend that he ever recovered. He won’t pretend that it was easier to deal with the grief as time passed by. All the same he managed to deal with it, though he’s still not sure how.

It’s been a long time since the bed felt this safe. He’s usually hit by the feeling of being alone this late at night, but for some reason it never comes. Instead there’s the warm embrace of the man that left him years ago, steady breath against the back of his neck and a hand stroking his belly. He won’t turn around, he doesn’t need to.

Shepard has been dreaming of this ever since he lost it, and he knows when it’s time to stop asking the hard questions and just accept that something is real enough.

The bear is still on their bedside table, that brown gaze looking at him. He considers reaching for it, but he’s unable to move his arm. Instead he stares back – those friendly eyes surrounded with soft fur – and relaxes into the embrace. Even though he’s been gone for two damn years Kaidan left part of him behind.

He can’t help but to smile. Samara had once mentioned how she wouldn’t die in bed, and how she’d been at peace with that. At the time he hadn’t thought much about it, dying is dying no matter where you are. But all things considered, this is a pretty good way to go.


End file.
